I've been having this inner debate within myself for the past couple years and rarely talk about it unless I'm in the company of a close friend that I know will still love me and not judge me for my flawed outlook on life sometimes. I feel it's time for me to at least write it out and get it out into the open. It may hurt some people's feelings. Some people may take it the wrong way. And some could argue that my view on the subject is totally skewed and I just need to shut up. And all of that is fine, because it's said person's opinion, just like this is mine.
First, I need to get it out into the open that I probably have a self-image issue personally. If I gain 5 pounds, that's a problem for me and I'll eat less and work out until I'm satisfied with my body. If my skin breaks out, that's an issue that needs to be remedied asap or covered up with makeup very well. Getting the jist? Okay....so now moving on to this inner debate....
It really saddens me to see people let themselves go. I guess it's something I just don't understand. When I see people go up more than a few pant sizes in less than a year, I don't get it. Why is that okay? Why is just going out and buying bigger and bigger clothes good enough? Because they make bigger sizes? I don't understand why if the pants are feeling a little snug, people don't go for a run or start walking at nighttime. I've heard from some people that it's because everyone is so busy these days, no one has time to go to the gym. And I'll tell you, that's the biggest load of crap that I've ever heard. Sure, we all try to make ourselves seem oh so busy, but if people would stop logging hours upon hours online and take 45 minutes a day to do some physical activity, I think not only would people benefit from the decrease in online time, but they'd benefit from the exercise too. Don't know if people know this, but it's a great stress reducer for all of those busy, stressful schedules. And most gyms even have TVs in them now, so you can multi-task. I mean, think back to high school. Sure, maybe you played sports or maybe you didn't. If you did, you logged more physical activity time than the people who didn't, but everyone seemed to be in pretty good shape, right? It had something to do with a little thing called P.E. Remember? We all hated running the mile. But if you think back to it, it took what....12 minutes if you walked it? 6 minutes if you ran it? And it's not like you ran the mile everyday. Sometimes it was just a lap. But it kept you in shape, because it was something you did everyday.
I will admit, I'm a bit of a hypocrite with the everyday comment. Because I don't work out everyday. I do however, walk a whole bunch over here everyday in Japan because I don't have a car. And since living in Japan, I've noticed it more than ever about people letting themselves go and possibly may be why I'm writing this out right now. Because everyone here is so fit! Even the old people, who in the US you'd see laid up in bed, letting someone take care of them....not here! They're out riding bikes. Seriously. People my grandparents age are riding bikes to get groceries or to get from place to place. Or if something is only a mile or two away, they walk it here. No use getting in the car and not only then having to try to find parking, but also having to pay for it. Yes, it's actually quite rare to find free parking in Japan. No, that was not a Monopoly reference. :]
It also pains me to walk on base here and see the people who just don't give a flying fart in space about their appearance. In my opinion, pajamas pants are made for at home. You should not leave the house wearing them unless you're going to a pajama party. And they do not count as regular pants. This is why you even find them in a different department in stores than regular clothes, so as to not get them confused. Putting on a pair of jeans and running a brush through your hair will not take more than 5 minutes, I promise. Some of this is probably stemming from the fact that I have become more conscience of my own appearance living here, because Japanese people as a whole are very well groomed and put together. But as I said, I've been zipped lipped about this for years. I know it's not going to make a difference either way, but it feels pretty good to just be able to get it out.
So, I'm getting it out. In the words of Peter Griffin "You wanna know what grinds my gears?"......
People who let themselves go, stop caring about their appearance, and are totally okay with it.
I realized today just how bored I truly get living alone. I not only cleaned out my fridge a few days ago, but I also scrubbed it down before putting everything back in. I mean....really? This is not something I would normally do, at all. But I was so bored and couldn't think of anything else to do. Yikes. The bane of my existence is housework. And that's sad. Sure, my house is reaping some benefits, by my emotional wellbeing is not.
So, I'm looking into taking up a whole bunch of hobbies/interests that I used to have a few years ago that I just kind of let go for no real reason. First on the list, private dance lessons. I know I'm in Japan and that it may seem funny to some of you, but I found a dance school in Yokohama that is taught by English speaking faculty. Oh, the horror! But I e-mailed them right away, to get more details and to hopefully set up an arrangement that will work with my teaching schedule. I think it will be really good for me if I could get back on track with my love of dancing. Not only will it eat up some of this god awful free time I seem to have, but it'll whip me into shape quickly and give me an outlet. :] Good deal.
I've been thinking about drawing too. I got an art scholarship that I didn't use. I'm pretty artistic when I want to be. But that's the problem....I haven't felt like being artistic in what seems to be forever. Art is a part of me, part of what makes me tick and makes me happy....and I just haven't felt like it. Whatttt is wrong with me? I even thought of going to buy all the supplies I'd want/need to unleash some of this waning ability I was gifted with, until I stopped myself in my thoughts with the blinding truth that I have a bunch of art supplies in a plastic bin under my bed, that has been untouched for years. Blahhh. I don't know what happened to my creative juices, but I think they make have leaked out of my brain while I was sleeping or something.
Yoga. Yo-yo-yo-yo-yoga. In a perfect world, they would have classes during the daytime/morning so I could fit it in before I had to teach in the afternoons-evenings. Unfortunately all of the English speaking classes are held at nighttime, so people with day jobs can pop in after work. Doesn't help me one bit, as I work nights. I've done yoga alone at home since being in Japan, but it's just not the same when you don't have someone correcting your posture and telling you when to move into the next pose/breathe. Bummer. I'm going to keep looking though. Maybe there's a studio outside of Yokosuka somewhere that will have availability, but then I have to worry about the commute times to and from there on top of the commute to and from school. And with trying to schedule dance classes around my schedule and on my days off....this could be a problem. But it would be really good for stretching out those sore muscles.
And, last but not least...pampering sessions. Massages, facials, pedicures, manicures, steam showers with essential oils (if they have them here?). Not all the time of course, but I haven't had any of that stuff for at least 4 years. My stringy muscles in my back are testament to that. I sometimes hate that I worked in a day spa that got me addicted to all of these things, but it really does relax you and give you time to just not have to think about a damn thing. Something I could probably benefit from since I've had a lot of extra thinking time lately and it's really starting to mess with my head.
Anyways. Yeah. I'll update on Project Bliss whenever I get the chance....if anything changes. That's the new name for this um, self-motivated path to happiness type of thing I'm searching for.
Ever had that feeling in the middle of the day that something is missing? Sure, everything about your day is normal and you're doing all the things you're supposed to do...but something just isn't "right"? Like the world is off balance a little bit because of some reason that you can't quite put your finger on. So you try to figure out what it is that is bugging you. And the more that you think about it, the more elusive the answer seems to become. The strangest part is that it could be something really simple. Maybe you have a morning routine and forgot to do one of things. Maybe you didn't get enough sleep and it's throwing your whole day off because you're tired. Maybe you're used to seeing someone everyday and they're just not there today. But you don't notice today. Maybe not even tomorrow. It may be weeks until you get to the a-ha! moment and sometimes you never do figure it out. You just go to bed still wondering about it, but forget about it the next day.
And memories. It's so strange how we can completely forget about something and then we'll see a certain object or catch the hint of a scent that reminds us of certain things/people right away. Or maybe you haven't forgot them, but you see/smell something or hear a song on the radio and a flood of memories just comes rushing through your mind. Memories that make you smile right then and there to be thinking about or maybe memories that automatically bring tears to your eyes and make you wish you could think about anything else at all in that exact moment. And again with those rush of memories, you sometimes get the feeling that something or someone is missing and you'd give anything in the world to have that memory be real instead of a memory.
Ughhh. Random jumbled mess flying through my head.
Living alone has taught me quite a bit about life in general. Well, at least my life. I get lonely pretty quickly. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm in a foreign country and literally can go for days without talking to someone in English, if I don't talk to friends back in the states. I'm not saying I'm like a total loner over here or anything. I have friends here, really good ones actually. But they have lives to live too and families that they have to take care of. I hate feeling like I'm intruding on other people's personal time, so I do stay home alone quite a bit. It gives me a lot of time to think.
Sometimes it really feels like it's just me against the world. That whatever I do, it only directly impacts me and my time here. I can obviously have a little impact on other people, but ultimately they will and can continue on with their lives, whether I'm a part of it or not. The world isn't going to change, but I can if I feel the need to. I can adapt to new things, take them in stride as much as possible, and try to have whatever life it is that I want, if I try hard enough.
I'm starting to really think about the future. What it is that I want out of life. If you know me personally, you probably know that I have at least a little zest for life. I like doing fun and adventurous things, even some that may be slightly on the dangerous side. But it's the rush of adrenaline that makes it worth it, makes you fear a little for your life and be thankful to be alive. I can't remember the last time I did something that actually made me a little bit scared that I might not make it through it. I really really want to bungee jump off of a tall bridge sometime in my life. The sooner, the better. I've found a place in Nepal that does it. So maybe I'll be taking a vacation to Nepal sometime soon. :]
There's so much stuff that I haven't done so far. I'm 24 right now....not ancient by any means, but sometimes I feel like I haven't done enough at this point in my life....like I'm behind. Everyone says I'm still young, I'm still a baby, I have so much life left to live. And the majority of me wants to believe that. But what if I don't? I mean, I lost one of my best friends a few years ago at 21....he wasn't done living life, not even close. So many plans for the future that will never be accomplished. It scares me. I want to experience so many things during my time on this planet, however long or short that may be. But that's one of the wonders of life.....when it ends. Most of us never know. I hope I grow to be an old, wrinkly bag that can use senility to get out of some of the shenanigans I'll still be wanting to pull when I'm on one of those motorized scooters instead of my legs. But don't we all?
So...it's me against the world. Everyday. I just wonder what my life story will be like and if it'll ever be exciting enough for someone else to relay to other people....