Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Your Love is Beautiful.

Love is a funny thing. You expect it to be easy. You expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you only find in movies. You expect her to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. You expect her to calm you down when you're yelling or to chase you when you run away. You expect so much that you feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesn't exactly match up with all your plans. But that's the thing. Love isn't a plan. It doesn't have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it. 

Love happens; it is so incredibly messy. People around you can't comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can't see. They can't see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you're in love. It's inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we can't live without it. What you don't learn is how hard love is. How much work it takes. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it isn't worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it.

Love isn't her calming you down when you yell. It's her yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and to keep you grounded. It isn't her/him bringing you roses everyday or cute things that make your relationship appear more presentable. 

It's after a long fight, that drains the life and bones right out of you both, and yet her showing up at your door the next morning anyway. It's not her saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. So no, it's not her caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be alright. It's her standing there, admitting she's just as scared as you are. You have to remember that with love, you're not the only one involved. You've unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another persons hands and said, here. Do what you will. Mash it into mince meat. Or forget I ever handed it to you. As long as you have it. 

It makes us crazy. It makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldn't cross. Because love isn't about fencing ourselves in; feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. It's about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. And it's a hell of a lot better, than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling 'happy' and feeling whole. 

-Andrew Landon

Monday, March 28, 2011

Master Bedroom Revamp.

I'm in severe dislike with my bedroom. I hate the wallpaper, but it's a rental house so can't really do anything about that. The windows are placed oddly in the space and along with the huge floor-to-ceiling closets, leave very little room to rearrange furniture without it looking completely weird.

I've bought a new bed. I need a new mattress because the queen size one I have is apparently too small for the queen size bed I've bought in Japan. I've got my eye on a memory foam mattress. One of the bedding sets I've been drooling over for the past year has went on holy-crap sale (we're talking less than half of what the original price was), and now I'm anxiously awaiting to see if they'll ship it here if I buy it, since the website doesn't have information on shipping policies. If not, I'm going to have to see if my mom can ship it or bring it with her when she comes to Japan at the end of April, because I want. So so much. I'm just hoping they don't sell out before they write me back on shipping policies. Along with that comes new sheets, which they don't have flat sheets in Japan, so....again ordering and shipping from the states. Blah.

I think I've figured out the lighting situation. I hate fluorescent lights and they're in every single room in my house, except for the tatami room and shower. I prefer the warmer, more yellow cast of light. I had an eyesore of a lamp in my room because of it. And tonight made a pendant lamp into a table lamp that I dig quite a bit. It's big, but cool. I'm on the hunt for some really cool fabric to make no sew curtains with, but only if I get my drool-worthy bedding. A new dresser would be nice, or at least a different clothes organizing plan since my dresser now does not match my bed at all. A big full length mirror is on the wish list, along with a cool area rug. I'd love a vanity/dressing table, but they're hard to come by in Japan and expensive if you do find them. That's on the "In my dreams" wish list. And then just awesomely fun accents to liven everything up a bit.

I hate waking up in the morning and not liking the way my bedroom looks. It's supposed to be my safe haven, my own little retreat from the world. I'm going to see how many things I can tick off on the wishlist to at least make it a "I kind of like it" bedroom.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Destruction & Devastation

As all of you know, Japan had a huge earthquake last Friday, March 11th. It was a 8.9 magnitude, the largest earthquake to ever be recorded in Japan's history and the 5th largest recorded for the world. About 30 minutes after the earthquake hit, a section of northeastern Japan was hit with 30 foot tsunami waves, leaving mass destruction and devastation behind.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

I want.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

mistrusted clatter
just saying anything at humble pace

you trip

you slip on my tears
(understanding little)

but through these disappearing days

i know there will be less shadows when you return

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Kitchen Experiments.

....I like food. A lot. A bunch of different kinds. A part of me loves to go out to eat and try new things. But another part of me hates always having to go out to eat because I don't like cooking for just myself. I'm really bad at cutting recipes in half, it never turns out right or tastes different than if I make the "original" recipe. So I usually breakdown and make the full recipe, only to be eating the leftovers for a whole week or freezing them if possible. Or, to be completely honest, the leftovers mostly sit in the fridge and go bad before I feel like eating them.

Anyways....I like cooking. I do. I enjoy cooking for other people, even though usually I tend to go a little elaborate then, instead of run of the mill things that I make all the time. I've decided I don't do it nearly enough. I eat more than half of my meals not at home. By choice, not by crazy busy schedules or anything like that. And it's sad really when I think about it.

So, I've just saved about 70 recipes in my bookmarks tab. Call me crazy, but I've just had this weird thing strike me tonight. Not only do I want to cook more/try new recipes out, but I want to up the ante in my kitchen. New dishes is a must. I'm dealing with a set that has more chipped bowls than non-chipped bowls.  I mean, since it's just me right now it's not a huge deal....but I've had my eye on a set for quite awhile. I also want one of those recipe card holder/organizer things with the notecards. I don't know what they're called. But I know that when I was growing up my mom had one, and it seems so convenient. Pull out the little box, find the card you're looking for, put it back when you're done and it'll be there waiting for you next time you feel like making it. Probably will work out a little bit better for me than me scribbling recipes down fast in random notebooks that I can never seem to find when I'm looking for a certain recipe when I want to make it again.

It's going to be a project in itself to learn more about cooking. I've taken cooking classes. I have cookbooks. But I really don't push myself to learn new things or different ways of cooking things. I'm stuck in my little safe niche of things that I know how to make and how to cook them. Time to broaden that horizon. I mean, I'm not getting any younger. I hope to have mouths to feed someday. And I hope that I can put tasty meals on the table for them. A little practice never hurt anybody. And is kind of like an international language between people. You make something they don't really like and they probably won't be begging to eat your food again. But if you make something they really like, may have just made a new best friend. :]