appreciate the good hearts, hold them close, closer than the beat that echoes.

Me against the world.

Living alone has taught me quite a bit about life in general. Well, at least my life. I get lonely pretty quickly. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm in a foreign country and literally can go for days without talking to someone in English, if I don't talk to friends back in the states. I'm not saying I'm like a total loner over here or anything. I have friends here, really good ones actually. But they have lives to live too and families that they have to take care of. I hate feeling like I'm intruding on other people's personal time, so I do stay home alone quite a bit. It gives me a lot of time to think.

Sometimes it really feels like it's just me against the world. That whatever I do, it only directly impacts me and my time here. I can obviously have a little impact on other people, but ultimately they will and can continue on with their lives, whether I'm a part of it or not. The world isn't going to change, but I can if I feel the need to. I can adapt to new things, take them in stride as much as possible, and try to have whatever life it is that I want, if I try hard enough.

I'm starting to really think about the future. What it is that I want out of life. If you know me personally, you probably know that I have at least a little zest for life. I like doing fun and adventurous things, even some that may be slightly on the dangerous side. But it's the rush of adrenaline that makes it worth it, makes you fear a little for your life and be thankful to be alive. I can't remember the last time I did something that actually made me a little bit scared that I might not make it through it. I really really want to bungee jump off of a tall bridge sometime in my life. The sooner, the better. I've found a place in Nepal that does it. So maybe I'll be taking a vacation to Nepal sometime soon. :]

There's so much stuff that I haven't done so far. I'm 24 right now....not ancient by any means, but sometimes I feel like I haven't done enough at this point in my life....like I'm behind. Everyone says I'm still young, I'm still a baby, I have so much life left to live. And the majority of me wants to believe that. But what if I don't? I mean, I lost one of my best friends a few years ago at 21....he wasn't done living life, not even close. So many plans for the future that will never be accomplished. It scares me. I want to experience so many things during my time on this planet, however long or short that may be. But that's one of the wonders of life.....when it ends. Most of us never know. I hope I grow to be an old, wrinkly bag that can use senility to get out of some of the shenanigans I'll still be wanting to pull when I'm on one of those motorized scooters instead of my legs. But don't we all?

So...it's me against the world. Everyday. I just wonder what my life story will be like and if it'll ever be exciting enough for someone else to relay to other people....

Random things about me

- I grew up in Wisconsin and didn't live out of state until I was 22.

- I'm afraid of the dark. So much so, that I sleep with a nightlight and have mini heart attacks at any noise I hear at nighttime. Some call it anxiety, I call it...normal. I've been that way since the day I moved out of my mom's house. I also have a fear that people are following me at nighttime. Whether I'm walking or driving, I'm always looking behind me/checking the rearview mirror. But only when I'm alone, of course. I don't want people thinking I'm crazy or anything. ;]

- I always claim that movies/bands are my absolute favorite. But, if they were really my absolute favorite, I'd only have one of each. And I have many in both categories. Oh, details.

- I love the color black. I'm not goth. It matches everything. Like my personality, my heart, my soul....muahhahahaha. Okay, that last line was a joke. I think.....

- I prefer handwritten letters to e-mails. Face to face conversations to phone calls. I have a love/hate relationship with technology for those two reasons.

- I have high blood pressure that I take daily medication for. Well....supposed to. I forget sometimes. Shhhh, don't tell. Anyways, it stumps the doctors. They can't figure out why I have it at 24 when I'm fit and in good health. I also have elevated levels of adrenaline and renin(sp?) levels according to my last doctor's visit....whatever that means. I have 3 warning signs for glaucoma and get horrible migraines. I seem to always have a cold and get steroid flushes to help my immune system fight off illnesses. Pretty much...I'm the weird sick kid. But if I didn't tell you any of that, you would never know.

- I got an art scholarship. It was one of those use it or lose it type of deals. I didn't use it. I kick myself pretty much everyday for it. I don't even draw anymore.....

- I like hair and makeup and nail polish and all that cosmetic stuff. I've been to cosmetology school. But, I'm still a tomboy at heart. I will forever be a jeans and t-shirt girl. Just one that is a little vain, if that's even possible.

- It bugs me to no end when people tell me I'm too skinny. And enough with this "curvy girls are better" crap. Shut up already. No one is "better" than anyone else. I'm healthy. I don't say anything about your weight, so leave mine alone. If I'm too skinny, I'm pretty sure my doctor will let me know. Unless you are a doctor and one that knows me and my medical history, I don't give a flying fart in space about what you think. And frankly, it just makes me think you're annoying and slightly rude.

- I love my Mom more than I can tell her. She's my hero.

- I don't do well with blood. Or syringes. I have a tattoo and piercings. Odd, eh?

- I like scars. I like feeling them (soft, raised, hard, uneven)  and hearing the stories behind them. It's like they're memories of your life that you're never supposed to forget.

- When I talk to people, I look at their eyes. Not their mouth or even their whole face. So when someone has facial piercings or something that detracts my attention from their eyes, I seem not to like it. On the flip of that, I want people to focus on my eyes instead of my whole face, so I wear dark eyeliner to make my eyes stand out against otherwise normally muted make up. I couldn't tell you why.

- I have a pretty high pain tolerance. I giggled when I got my tattoo and didn't even feel it when I got my tongue pierced. It was so quick and painless. Although the guy that did it didn't use clamps, and I've heard that's the worst part. So maybe I just lucked out.

- I like dark greens and dark purples together. I like greys and yellows together. Something about the pairing of them makes me happy.

Possession

"What is it? My dear?"
"Ah, how can we bear it?"
"Bear what?"
"This. For so short a time. How can we sleep this time away?"
"We can be quiet together, and pretend-- since it is only the beginning-- that we have all the time in the world."
"And every day we shall have less. And then none."
"Would you rather, therefore, have had nothing at all?"
"No. This is where I have always been coming to. Since my time began. And when I go away from here, this will be the mid-point, to which everything ran, before, and from which everything will run. But now, my love, we are here, we are now, and those other times are running elsewhere."

--A. S. Byatt

Things left unsaid....

I've been having some inner turmoil lately about biting my tongue. There are some things that all of my inner being wants to scream out at the top of my lungs. There are some things that I want to be able to tell people while looking them in the eyes. But I'm having issues with if saying/screaming said things would make things better or worse. If it would change anything or just complicate things. I really don't know what the outcome would be, because it really relies on the reaction(s) of the other person/people. It's so frustrating to sit here and think about it. Thinking of how good things could become or how quickly they could become bad....it all depends on the receiving end. What a twisted thing.....I can't even tell if biting my tongue or being loose lipped is the better idea.

Guhhhh. Whatever. I miss you all. Every single one of you. What I'd love to do right now is to sit down in a little cafe and have awesomely deep conversations with everyone that I consider close/loved. And not have to worry about offending or changing anything between our relationship together, whatever it is that it may be. But for now, I'm going to continue to wonder if I should continue suppressing things or if I should just remove the barriers.

Living alone in Japan.

If you asked me if I would ever be living in a foreign country, alone, about a year ago...I would have laughed at you. But here I am. Learning as I go.

I've found that I have a love/hate relationship with the individual heating units in each room in my Japanese house. I love the fact that I don't have to pay to heat the whole house all the time, especially since there are rooms that are rarely getting used right now. Saving money is awesome. I also love that I can heat just my bedroom during the night and by the morning, the sun shining through the windows has most of the downstairs a tolerable temperature. However, my hate comes in for them really quickly when I take my barefooted-in shorts and a tank top-self out of my room to use the bathroom. Or brush my teeth. Or go down to the kitchen to get something to drink. I literally go from comfortable to shaking with chills. I don't like sleeping in socks, pajama pants (they bunch up when you sleep!) or long sleeves. Heck, guests are lucky that I'll even throw clothes on half the time in the summer. Juuuust kiddingggg.....kinda. :]

Anyways, I just had one of those 78 degrees in my room to below 50 degrees outside of it trips a few minutes ago. It sparked me. I had to share my love/hate relationship.

Oh, and I'm also reaching that point of "I haven't talked to someone in days so I'm a little crazy when I do actually have human interaction". It's entertaining to say the least. I need a roommate. Or a pet. They said we couldn't have a cat or a dog. They never said anything about turtles......