Random things about me

- I grew up in Wisconsin and didn't live out of state until I was 22.

- I'm afraid of the dark. So much so, that I sleep with a nightlight and have mini heart attacks at any noise I hear at nighttime. Some call it anxiety, I call it...normal. I've been that way since the day I moved out of my mom's house. I also have a fear that people are following me at nighttime. Whether I'm walking or driving, I'm always looking behind me/checking the rearview mirror. But only when I'm alone, of course. I don't want people thinking I'm crazy or anything. ;]

- I always claim that movies/bands are my absolute favorite. But, if they were really my absolute favorite, I'd only have one of each. And I have many in both categories. Oh, details.

- I love the color black. I'm not goth. It matches everything. Like my personality, my heart, my soul....muahhahahaha. Okay, that last line was a joke. I think.....

- I prefer handwritten letters to e-mails. Face to face conversations to phone calls. I have a love/hate relationship with technology for those two reasons.

- I have high blood pressure that I take daily medication for. Well....supposed to. I forget sometimes. Shhhh, don't tell. Anyways, it stumps the doctors. They can't figure out why I have it at 24 when I'm fit and in good health. I also have elevated levels of adrenaline and renin(sp?) levels according to my last doctor's visit....whatever that means. I have 3 warning signs for glaucoma and get horrible migraines. I seem to always have a cold and get steroid flushes to help my immune system fight off illnesses. Pretty much...I'm the weird sick kid. But if I didn't tell you any of that, you would never know.

- I got an art scholarship. It was one of those use it or lose it type of deals. I didn't use it. I kick myself pretty much everyday for it. I don't even draw anymore.....

- I like hair and makeup and nail polish and all that cosmetic stuff. I've been to cosmetology school. But, I'm still a tomboy at heart. I will forever be a jeans and t-shirt girl. Just one that is a little vain, if that's even possible.

- It bugs me to no end when people tell me I'm too skinny. And enough with this "curvy girls are better" crap. Shut up already. No one is "better" than anyone else. I'm healthy. I don't say anything about your weight, so leave mine alone. If I'm too skinny, I'm pretty sure my doctor will let me know. Unless you are a doctor and one that knows me and my medical history, I don't give a flying fart in space about what you think. And frankly, it just makes me think you're annoying and slightly rude.

- I love my Mom more than I can tell her. She's my hero.

- I don't do well with blood. Or syringes. I have a tattoo and piercings. Odd, eh?

- I like scars. I like feeling them (soft, raised, hard, uneven)  and hearing the stories behind them. It's like they're memories of your life that you're never supposed to forget.

- When I talk to people, I look at their eyes. Not their mouth or even their whole face. So when someone has facial piercings or something that detracts my attention from their eyes, I seem not to like it. On the flip of that, I want people to focus on my eyes instead of my whole face, so I wear dark eyeliner to make my eyes stand out against otherwise normally muted make up. I couldn't tell you why.

- I have a pretty high pain tolerance. I giggled when I got my tattoo and didn't even feel it when I got my tongue pierced. It was so quick and painless. Although the guy that did it didn't use clamps, and I've heard that's the worst part. So maybe I just lucked out.

- I like dark greens and dark purples together. I like greys and yellows together. Something about the pairing of them makes me happy.

Possession

"What is it? My dear?"
"Ah, how can we bear it?"
"Bear what?"
"This. For so short a time. How can we sleep this time away?"
"We can be quiet together, and pretend-- since it is only the beginning-- that we have all the time in the world."
"And every day we shall have less. And then none."
"Would you rather, therefore, have had nothing at all?"
"No. This is where I have always been coming to. Since my time began. And when I go away from here, this will be the mid-point, to which everything ran, before, and from which everything will run. But now, my love, we are here, we are now, and those other times are running elsewhere."

--A. S. Byatt

Things left unsaid....

I've been having some inner turmoil lately about biting my tongue. There are some things that all of my inner being wants to scream out at the top of my lungs. There are some things that I want to be able to tell people while looking them in the eyes. But I'm having issues with if saying/screaming said things would make things better or worse. If it would change anything or just complicate things. I really don't know what the outcome would be, because it really relies on the reaction(s) of the other person/people. It's so frustrating to sit here and think about it. Thinking of how good things could become or how quickly they could become bad....it all depends on the receiving end. What a twisted thing.....I can't even tell if biting my tongue or being loose lipped is the better idea.

Guhhhh. Whatever. I miss you all. Every single one of you. What I'd love to do right now is to sit down in a little cafe and have awesomely deep conversations with everyone that I consider close/loved. And not have to worry about offending or changing anything between our relationship together, whatever it is that it may be. But for now, I'm going to continue to wonder if I should continue suppressing things or if I should just remove the barriers.

Living alone in Japan.

If you asked me if I would ever be living in a foreign country, alone, about a year ago...I would have laughed at you. But here I am. Learning as I go.

I've found that I have a love/hate relationship with the individual heating units in each room in my Japanese house. I love the fact that I don't have to pay to heat the whole house all the time, especially since there are rooms that are rarely getting used right now. Saving money is awesome. I also love that I can heat just my bedroom during the night and by the morning, the sun shining through the windows has most of the downstairs a tolerable temperature. However, my hate comes in for them really quickly when I take my barefooted-in shorts and a tank top-self out of my room to use the bathroom. Or brush my teeth. Or go down to the kitchen to get something to drink. I literally go from comfortable to shaking with chills. I don't like sleeping in socks, pajama pants (they bunch up when you sleep!) or long sleeves. Heck, guests are lucky that I'll even throw clothes on half the time in the summer. Juuuust kiddingggg.....kinda. :]

Anyways, I just had one of those 78 degrees in my room to below 50 degrees outside of it trips a few minutes ago. It sparked me. I had to share my love/hate relationship.

Oh, and I'm also reaching that point of "I haven't talked to someone in days so I'm a little crazy when I do actually have human interaction". It's entertaining to say the least. I need a roommate. Or a pet. They said we couldn't have a cat or a dog. They never said anything about turtles......

Japanese weather.

About 3 weeks ago, I was complaining because I was literally sweating through the little amount of thin clothing that I had on. Now, I'm whining because it's freezing and I've already had to bust out the winter coat for at night, when 3 weeks ago it was still a balmy 80 degrees after the sun went down.

So, I've encountered that Japan does not have fall. They call it fall, but it literally goes from sweaty, sticky summer to hoodies, fleece jammie pants, always wearing socks and/or slippers in the house (wooden floors get ice cold really fast!) and wool peacoats at nighttime. During the day it's not so bad when the sun is shining, but it's been raining the past few days and it's just cold and dreary and miserable.

I wore my peacoat all day today and didn't sweat. Ayyyeeeee. I have to turn the heaters on in the house. 3 weeks ago, it was air conditioning. I didn't even get that fun "I get to save money because the weather is nice enough without the a/c or the heat" period of weather.

To add the icing on the cake, I'm sick as all get out right now. Drastic weather changes will do that to you! Guhhhh. I want fall.

How different things are...

I'm not talking about the difference between Japan and America, but believe me there are a lot. I actually was just thinking about how I envisioned my future when I was younger and how it is completely different from what I even imagined it would be at various stages of my life.

When I was in middle school, I thought I would be married and have kids by the time I was 22(close to home, I may add). I thought that sounded like a good age because it seemed so far off to a 12 year old kid. 10 years....that's like forever in a kid's timeline. I also thought I would have been done with college and had a career and a house. It all seemed so easily attainable. 

Then when I was in high school, I thought maybe I'd wait to have kids until I was 24. I didn't want to have kids right away at 22, especially since that would only leave me one year of drinking legally. Hey, when you're in high school that seems to be the thing a lot of kids look forward to. Not getting in trouble for drinking. Being able to buy the alcohol. I also thought I'd still go off to college and probably have my own place by the time I was 22. I was still living under my mommy's roof, so it seemed like it was so easy. 

When I graduated high school and moved out of my mom's house for the first time, reality came up and slapped me in the face. Bills were a part of life now. Also paying to feed myself...I never even thought that I'd have to do that! Trying to juggle school and work at the same time, while still having time to be with your friends. Not so easy.

Now that I actually am 24, I look back at the young me and what I thought would happen. I'm 24. I am married and actually have been since I was 22. So I got that part right at least. I'm not planning on kids anytime soon. Maybe when I'm 29-30ish. I don't have a college degree....yet. I'm working on it. I rent a house with my husband. And before renting this house, we rented an apartment. And before that we rented a house. 3 homes in 2 years. We probably won't be buying anytime soon either. We tend to move every 2-3 years. I'm a military wife. Something I vowed I never would be. I always selfishly said I would never wait around for someone all the time. Things definitely change when you fall in love. I'm currently living in Japan, in this 3rd house that we're renting. If you asked me even last year if I would think I would be here, I would have said no. I'm an English teacher. If you asked me 6 months ago if I would be doing that, I would've said no. I'm living alone for the next 10 months while my husband is deployed. If you would have asked me if I would be living alone 3 months ago, I would have said no. 

Things change so quickly. Plans for the future either never happen or get reassembled so that they may fall into place someday. 

So to recap. I'm 24. I'm married, but am living alone for the most part of a year. I move a lot. It's pretty hard to plan a future in the lifestyle we're living. I don't own my own house, not even close actually. I don't have a college degree, but I do hope to have one by the time I return to the US. I don't want kids anytime soon. I'm an English teacher, and I love my job. I'm living in Japan and I love it here too. 

My life is completely different from anything I ever could have imagined it would be. And I have to say, I kind of like it that way. :]