Sunday, August 7, 2011

I'm not sure that I am living for myself yet. But I want to be. 

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happiness is overrated.

I was just thinking about happiness today. Our happiness is fickle. We always want more than we have, going to whatever lengths we think we need to, to make ourselves happy. We want the people we love to go to any and every length possible to make us happy and if they don't, we look for it somewhere else. Most of the time, not even taking their feelings or emotions into context at all. And overlooking small or big things they do if we don't feel completely satisfied with our lives. Moving on, thinking the grass is always greener on the other side. But, what if it's not? What if we're just destroying our lives and/or our happiness just trying to feel happy? We're gluttonous by nature, it's engrained in us. I wonder what would happen if people just stopped and basked in the moments that they were happy, and then when they're not feeling especially happy, could just pull those moments out of the memory bank. Instead of always wanting more, could just appreciate what we do have. Would our lives feel more fulfilled? Could we stop always wanting more than we have? Or is it impossible? I really don't know. And I've said "we" through this whole post because I'm guilty of searching for happiness too. But what if we're searching for something that we've already got and we're just not capable of realizing it?

Lately I have been bouncing back and forth from the extremes of being completely happy to a complete jumbled mess of emotions. Random things like this have been bouncing around in my head. I want to feel completely happy and to be able to make others feel completely full of happiness. I'm just starting to wonder if it's even possible.

Monday, April 18, 2011


What I've learned so far...

you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for the rest of your life.

it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

you should always leave loved ones with loving goodbyes. It may be the last time you see them.

you can keep going long after you think you can't.

 we are responsible for what we do and say, no matter how we feel.

either you control your attitude or it controls you.

heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of consequences(I'm looking at you, Fukushima power plant workers).

sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief.

our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. Perspective is a personal and an amazing thing.

even when you think you have no more to give, when someone you care about cries out to you, you will help.

credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

love really can change everything.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Self-teaching myself a new language.

Alright, so I really have to come clean right now. I've been living in Japan for a little over a year. I still only speak limited Japanese and can't read it. Correction, I can now read 20 of the basic hiragana characters. I don't know why. I feel like I've basically let myself down while living here so far.

I got all 3 levels of Rosetta Stone six months before moving to Japan. Yep, I've had it since September of 2009. Can we say wtf am I doing not speaking Japanese then? But in my defense, there were some problems with the tracking file in the program, so it would always make me repeat lessons I had already completed and wasn't tracking how far I'd gotten in the lessons at all. After a few frustrating phone calls to the Rosetta Stone customer service line, they reset the pin for the program. So basically. Uninstall, reinstall. Luckily for me, I didn't have to do any uninstalling since I was just going to put the reset program on my new macbook. Um....anyways. I just did that. Installed it on the mac. Like, two days ago. I've had this computer for, oh.....6 months. Haha. 6 months seems to be the trend in this story. But sadly, no. The whole one year thing is the trend. One year living in a foreign country, surrounded by it daily, and I'm still not speaking it.

Oh, a little off-topic rant. I've always hated when people in the US declare "Learn English or get out" or "I shouldn't have to press one for English, this is America!" Well, you know what. You all can suck it with that attitude. It's difficult living in a foreign country and not knowing the language. But you know what....I'm a foreigner in Japan. And maybe some of them feel that way, but to my face everyone is extremely accommodating for me, since I don't speak Japanese. I hope all of you that say that never, ever go on vacation or live abroad anywhere unless you are completely fluent in the language. But wait, even if you do, they should speak English for you, right? Because it's the universal language? Ha! Until you've lived it, you have no idea how frustrating, difficult, and embarrassing it can be when you don't know how to say something that you need/want to. I'm actually loathing going back to the states because of the rude attitudes everyone has in America. Seriously. Hate me if you must. But it's true. I'm going to have culture-shock upon returning because I'm not going to be used to everyone being such self-involved, unaccommodating twats all the time. (No, I know this doesn't apply to everyone in the US. But compared to here....a lot of people seem mean and self-absorbed.) Oh, and P.S. Unless you're Native American, someone along the line in your family was a foreigner in America, too. Just a heads up. *Steps down from the soapbox*

Phew! Sorry about that. Anyways. My mom got me these amazing self-teaching workbooks for hiragana and katakana for Christmas. I cracked one of them maybe twice before, but it was a half-hearted attempt. Well, I'm diving in head first. I've already learned and memorized 20 basic hiragana. From there I'll move to the basic 46. And then the derivatives of those. From there I'll move to Katakana characters. And then Kanji. And so forth. While also doing speaking lessons, so I can read, write and speak it. My goal is to pass the JLPT 2....sometime within the next couple years. It's going to be hard work. But I want it. Why? Because then I can work internationally. I could translate for people. I would be certified bilingual. Yes, there is a JLPT 1 test. Yes, I would love to pass it. I've heard it's extremely difficult. If I can pass 2, I'll be happy. And probably at least try to pass one then. By the way, there are 5 levels of the JLPT. Gotta start from the bottom at 5. I'm making it a priority to study everyday, at least for a little bit. You can't learn a new language without really putting in some effort, especially a difficult one like Japanese. But I want to speak it. I want to be able to write it, read it, type it....everything. And hopefully it will be beneficial to me in my life.

So....that's the news. Teaching myself Japanese. I'll try to update as I progress. Maybe even in Japanese? :]

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Your Love is Beautiful.

Love is a funny thing. You expect it to be easy. You expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you only find in movies. You expect her to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. You expect her to calm you down when you're yelling or to chase you when you run away. You expect so much that you feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesn't exactly match up with all your plans. But that's the thing. Love isn't a plan. It doesn't have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it. 

Love happens; it is so incredibly messy. People around you can't comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can't see. They can't see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you're in love. It's inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we can't live without it. What you don't learn is how hard love is. How much work it takes. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it isn't worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it.

Love isn't her calming you down when you yell. It's her yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and to keep you grounded. It isn't her/him bringing you roses everyday or cute things that make your relationship appear more presentable. 

It's after a long fight, that drains the life and bones right out of you both, and yet her showing up at your door the next morning anyway. It's not her saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. So no, it's not her caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be alright. It's her standing there, admitting she's just as scared as you are. You have to remember that with love, you're not the only one involved. You've unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another persons hands and said, here. Do what you will. Mash it into mince meat. Or forget I ever handed it to you. As long as you have it. 

It makes us crazy. It makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldn't cross. Because love isn't about fencing ourselves in; feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. It's about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. And it's a hell of a lot better, than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling 'happy' and feeling whole. 

-Andrew Landon

Monday, March 28, 2011

Master Bedroom Revamp.

I'm in severe dislike with my bedroom. I hate the wallpaper, but it's a rental house so can't really do anything about that. The windows are placed oddly in the space and along with the huge floor-to-ceiling closets, leave very little room to rearrange furniture without it looking completely weird.

I've bought a new bed. I need a new mattress because the queen size one I have is apparently too small for the queen size bed I've bought in Japan. I've got my eye on a memory foam mattress. One of the bedding sets I've been drooling over for the past year has went on holy-crap sale (we're talking less than half of what the original price was), and now I'm anxiously awaiting to see if they'll ship it here if I buy it, since the website doesn't have information on shipping policies. If not, I'm going to have to see if my mom can ship it or bring it with her when she comes to Japan at the end of April, because I want. So so much. I'm just hoping they don't sell out before they write me back on shipping policies. Along with that comes new sheets, which they don't have flat sheets in Japan, so....again ordering and shipping from the states. Blah.

I think I've figured out the lighting situation. I hate fluorescent lights and they're in every single room in my house, except for the tatami room and shower. I prefer the warmer, more yellow cast of light. I had an eyesore of a lamp in my room because of it. And tonight made a pendant lamp into a table lamp that I dig quite a bit. It's big, but cool. I'm on the hunt for some really cool fabric to make no sew curtains with, but only if I get my drool-worthy bedding. A new dresser would be nice, or at least a different clothes organizing plan since my dresser now does not match my bed at all. A big full length mirror is on the wish list, along with a cool area rug. I'd love a vanity/dressing table, but they're hard to come by in Japan and expensive if you do find them. That's on the "In my dreams" wish list. And then just awesomely fun accents to liven everything up a bit.

I hate waking up in the morning and not liking the way my bedroom looks. It's supposed to be my safe haven, my own little retreat from the world. I'm going to see how many things I can tick off on the wishlist to at least make it a "I kind of like it" bedroom.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Destruction & Devastation

As all of you know, Japan had a huge earthquake last Friday, March 11th. It was a 8.9 magnitude, the largest earthquake to ever be recorded in Japan's history and the 5th largest recorded for the world. About 30 minutes after the earthquake hit, a section of northeastern Japan was hit with 30 foot tsunami waves, leaving mass destruction and devastation behind.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

I want.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

mistrusted clatter
just saying anything at humble pace

you trip

you slip on my tears
(understanding little)

but through these disappearing days

i know there will be less shadows when you return

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Kitchen Experiments.

....I like food. A lot. A bunch of different kinds. A part of me loves to go out to eat and try new things. But another part of me hates always having to go out to eat because I don't like cooking for just myself. I'm really bad at cutting recipes in half, it never turns out right or tastes different than if I make the "original" recipe. So I usually breakdown and make the full recipe, only to be eating the leftovers for a whole week or freezing them if possible. Or, to be completely honest, the leftovers mostly sit in the fridge and go bad before I feel like eating them.

Anyways....I like cooking. I do. I enjoy cooking for other people, even though usually I tend to go a little elaborate then, instead of run of the mill things that I make all the time. I've decided I don't do it nearly enough. I eat more than half of my meals not at home. By choice, not by crazy busy schedules or anything like that. And it's sad really when I think about it.

So, I've just saved about 70 recipes in my bookmarks tab. Call me crazy, but I've just had this weird thing strike me tonight. Not only do I want to cook more/try new recipes out, but I want to up the ante in my kitchen. New dishes is a must. I'm dealing with a set that has more chipped bowls than non-chipped bowls.  I mean, since it's just me right now it's not a huge deal....but I've had my eye on a set for quite awhile. I also want one of those recipe card holder/organizer things with the notecards. I don't know what they're called. But I know that when I was growing up my mom had one, and it seems so convenient. Pull out the little box, find the card you're looking for, put it back when you're done and it'll be there waiting for you next time you feel like making it. Probably will work out a little bit better for me than me scribbling recipes down fast in random notebooks that I can never seem to find when I'm looking for a certain recipe when I want to make it again.

It's going to be a project in itself to learn more about cooking. I've taken cooking classes. I have cookbooks. But I really don't push myself to learn new things or different ways of cooking things. I'm stuck in my little safe niche of things that I know how to make and how to cook them. Time to broaden that horizon. I mean, I'm not getting any younger. I hope to have mouths to feed someday. And I hope that I can put tasty meals on the table for them. A little practice never hurt anybody. And is kind of like an international language between people. You make something they don't really like and they probably won't be begging to eat your food again. But if you make something they really like, may have just made a new best friend. :]

Sunday, February 6, 2011


Blog is under construction for awhile. So please bare with me with the funky, unfinished layout for awhile. I'm working on it. :]

Friday, January 28, 2011

Never take someone for granted. 
Hold every person close to your heart 
because you might wake up one day
and realize you've lost a diamond
while you were too busy collecting stones.

Sunday, January 23, 2011


I've been having this inner debate within myself for the past couple years and rarely talk about it unless I'm in the company of a close friend that I know will still love me and not judge me for my flawed outlook on life sometimes. I feel it's time for me to at least write it out and get it out into the open. It may hurt some people's feelings. Some people may take it the wrong way. And some could argue that my view on the subject is totally skewed and I just need to shut up. And all of that is fine, because it's said person's opinion, just like this is mine.

First, I need to get it out into the open that I probably have a self-image issue personally. If I gain 5 pounds, that's a problem for me and I'll eat less and work out until I'm satisfied with my body. If my skin breaks out, that's an issue that needs to be remedied asap or covered up with makeup very well. Getting the jist? now moving on to this inner debate....

It really saddens me to see people let themselves go. I guess it's something I just don't understand. When I see people go up more than a few pant sizes in less than a year, I don't get it. Why is that okay? Why is just going out and buying bigger and bigger clothes good enough? Because they make bigger sizes? I don't understand why if the pants are feeling a little snug, people don't go for a run or start walking at nighttime. I've heard from some people that it's because everyone is so busy these days, no one has time to go to the gym. And I'll tell you, that's the biggest load of crap that I've ever heard. Sure, we all try to make ourselves seem oh so busy, but if people would stop logging hours upon hours online and take 45 minutes a day to do some physical activity, I think not only would people benefit from the decrease in online time, but they'd benefit from the exercise too. Don't know if people know this, but it's a great stress reducer for all of those busy, stressful schedules. And most gyms even have TVs in them now, so you can multi-task. I mean, think back to high school. Sure, maybe you played sports or maybe you didn't. If you did, you logged more physical activity time than the people who didn't, but everyone seemed to be in pretty good shape, right? It had something to do with a little thing called P.E. Remember? We all hated running the mile. But if you think back to it, it took what....12 minutes if you walked it? 6 minutes if you ran it? And it's not like you ran the mile everyday. Sometimes it was just a lap. But it kept you in shape, because it was something you did everyday.

I will admit, I'm a bit of a hypocrite with the everyday comment. Because I don't work out everyday. I do however, walk a whole bunch over here everyday in Japan because I don't have a car. And since living in Japan, I've noticed it more than ever about people letting themselves go and possibly may be why I'm writing this out right now. Because everyone here is so fit! Even the old people, who in the US you'd see laid up in bed, letting someone take care of them....not here! They're out riding bikes. Seriously. People my grandparents age are riding bikes to get groceries or to get from place to place. Or if something is only a mile or two away, they walk it here. No use getting in the car and not only then having to try to find parking, but also having to pay for it. Yes, it's actually quite rare to find free parking in Japan. No, that was not a Monopoly reference. :]

It also pains me to walk on base here and see the people who just don't give a flying fart in space about their appearance. In my opinion, pajamas pants are made for at home. You should not leave the house wearing them unless you're going to a pajama party. And they do not count as regular pants. This is why you even find them in a different department in stores than regular clothes, so as to not get them confused. Putting on a pair of jeans and running a brush through your hair will not take more than 5 minutes, I promise. Some of this is probably stemming from the fact that I have become more conscience of my own appearance living here, because Japanese people as a whole are very well groomed and put together. But as I said, I've been zipped lipped about this for years. I know it's not going to make a difference either way, but it feels pretty good to just be able to get it out.

So, I'm getting it out. In the words of Peter Griffin "You wanna know what grinds my gears?"......

People who let themselves go, stop caring about their appearance, and are totally okay with it.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Eat up my time.

I realized today just how bored I truly get living alone. I not only cleaned out my fridge a few days ago, but I also scrubbed it down before putting everything back in. I mean....really? This is not something I would normally do, at all. But I was so bored and couldn't think of anything else to do. Yikes. The bane of my existence is housework. And that's sad. Sure, my house is reaping some benefits, by my emotional wellbeing is not.

So, I'm looking into taking up a whole bunch of hobbies/interests that I used to have a few years ago that I just kind of let go for no real reason. First on the list, private dance lessons. I know I'm in Japan and that it may seem funny to some of you, but I found a dance school in Yokohama that is taught by English speaking faculty. Oh, the horror! But I e-mailed them right away, to get more details and to hopefully set up an arrangement that will work with my teaching schedule. I think it will be really good for me if I could get back on track with my love of dancing. Not only will it eat up some of this god awful free time I seem to have, but it'll whip me into shape quickly and give me an outlet. :] Good deal. 

I've been thinking about drawing too. I got an art scholarship that I didn't use. I'm pretty artistic when I want to be. But that's the problem....I haven't felt like being artistic in what seems to be forever. Art is a part of me, part of what makes me tick and makes me happy....and I just haven't felt like it. Whatttt is wrong with me? I even thought of going to buy all the supplies I'd want/need to unleash some of this waning ability I was gifted with, until I stopped myself in my thoughts with the blinding truth that I have a bunch of art supplies in a plastic bin under my bed, that has been untouched for years. Blahhh. I don't know what happened to my creative juices, but I think they make have leaked out of my brain while I was sleeping or something.

Yoga. Yo-yo-yo-yo-yoga. In a perfect world, they would have classes during the daytime/morning so I could fit it in before I had to teach in the afternoons-evenings. Unfortunately all of the English speaking classes are held at nighttime, so people with day jobs can pop in after work. Doesn't help me one bit, as I work nights. I've done yoga alone at home since being in Japan, but it's just not the same when you don't have someone correcting your posture and telling you when to move into the next pose/breathe. Bummer. I'm going to keep looking though. Maybe there's a studio outside of Yokosuka somewhere that will have availability, but then I have to worry about the commute times to and from there on top of the commute to and from school. And with trying to schedule dance classes around my schedule and on my days off....this could be a problem. But it would be really good for stretching out those sore muscles.

And, last but not least...pampering sessions. Massages, facials, pedicures, manicures, steam showers with essential oils (if they have them here?). Not all the time of course, but I haven't had any of that stuff for at least 4 years. My stringy muscles in my back are testament to that. I sometimes hate that I worked in a day spa that got me addicted to all of these things, but it really does relax you and give you time to just not have to think about a damn thing. Something I could probably benefit from since I've had a lot of extra thinking time lately and it's really starting to mess with my head.

Anyways. Yeah. I'll update on Project Bliss whenever I get the chance....if anything changes.  That's the new name for this um, self-motivated path to happiness type of thing I'm searching for. 

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Something is missing...

Ever had that feeling in the middle of the day that something is missing? Sure, everything about your day is normal and you're doing all the things you're supposed to do...but something just isn't "right"? Like the world is off balance a little bit because of some reason that you can't quite put your finger on. So you try to figure out what it is that is bugging you. And the more that you think about it, the more elusive the answer seems to become. The strangest part is that it could be something really simple. Maybe you have a morning routine and forgot to do one of things. Maybe you didn't get enough sleep and it's throwing your whole day off because you're tired. Maybe you're used to seeing someone everyday and they're just not there today. But you don't notice today. Maybe not even tomorrow. It may be weeks until you get to the a-ha! moment and sometimes you never do figure it out. You just go to bed still wondering about it, but forget about it the next day.

And memories. It's so strange how we can completely forget about something and then we'll see a certain object or catch the hint of a scent that reminds us of certain things/people right away. Or maybe you haven't forgot them, but you see/smell something or hear a song on the radio and a flood of memories just comes rushing through your mind. Memories that make you smile right then and there to be thinking about or maybe memories that automatically bring tears to your eyes and make you wish you could think about anything else at all in that exact moment. And again with those rush of memories, you sometimes get the feeling that something or someone is missing and you'd give anything in the world to have that memory be real instead of a memory.

Ughhh. Random jumbled mess flying through my head.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

if you know someone who always holds in their pain, try to imagine how hurt they must be when they're crying out from it.
appreciate the good hearts, hold them close, closer than the beat that echoes.

Me against the world.

Living alone has taught me quite a bit about life in general. Well, at least my life. I get lonely pretty quickly. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm in a foreign country and literally can go for days without talking to someone in English, if I don't talk to friends back in the states. I'm not saying I'm like a total loner over here or anything. I have friends here, really good ones actually. But they have lives to live too and families that they have to take care of. I hate feeling like I'm intruding on other people's personal time, so I do stay home alone quite a bit. It gives me a lot of time to think.

Sometimes it really feels like it's just me against the world. That whatever I do, it only directly impacts me and my time here. I can obviously have a little impact on other people, but ultimately they will and can continue on with their lives, whether I'm a part of it or not. The world isn't going to change, but I can if I feel the need to. I can adapt to new things, take them in stride as much as possible, and try to have whatever life it is that I want, if I try hard enough.

I'm starting to really think about the future. What it is that I want out of life. If you know me personally, you probably know that I have at least a little zest for life. I like doing fun and adventurous things, even some that may be slightly on the dangerous side. But it's the rush of adrenaline that makes it worth it, makes you fear a little for your life and be thankful to be alive. I can't remember the last time I did something that actually made me a little bit scared that I might not make it through it. I really really want to bungee jump off of a tall bridge sometime in my life. The sooner, the better. I've found a place in Nepal that does it. So maybe I'll be taking a vacation to Nepal sometime soon. :]

There's so much stuff that I haven't done so far. I'm 24 right now....not ancient by any means, but sometimes I feel like I haven't done enough at this point in my I'm behind. Everyone says I'm still young, I'm still a baby, I have so much life left to live. And the majority of me wants to believe that. But what if I don't? I mean, I lost one of my best friends a few years ago at 21....he wasn't done living life, not even close. So many plans for the future that will never be accomplished. It scares me. I want to experience so many things during my time on this planet, however long or short that may be. But that's one of the wonders of life.....when it ends. Most of us never know. I hope I grow to be an old, wrinkly bag that can use senility to get out of some of the shenanigans I'll still be wanting to pull when I'm on one of those motorized scooters instead of my legs. But don't we all?'s me against the world. Everyday. I just wonder what my life story will be like and if it'll ever be exciting enough for someone else to relay to other people....